Posted: November 24th, 2013 | Author: Ellen | Filed under: Stories | No Comments »
Few people might notice your words left on the Facebook wall of Steve in late Oct–”Cant tell you how much i miss u.” Even me. I only learned it after several days you were gone when I followed your page to get some clues. These words became all I said when I put the rose near your photo yesterday, when I sent you off in your memorial service. It’s been sad since it’s the only thing I can do for you at the moment.
When I initially learned the tragedy, I became so heartbroken and cried extremely hard. You are my best memory in college and we were so true to each other. I could not be more grateful when I think of what you’ve done to me—Later I realized it’s you who trust me so much, lift me up and encourage me to follow my nature the very first time. I still remember you told me, “Hanhan, I really love you so much, you are so unique, so great.”, which really, really means a lot to me. But sometimes you can also choose to be silent, combing my eyebrows and hugging me with no words. Thank you so much, babe.
I’ve witnessed your sensitiveness, your craziness, and your desperate needs on love. You are so vulnerable and so authentic. I feel so sorry because I can only listen to your self-expression but could only offer limited solutions—I am as a big problem as you—That’s why we are besties, right?
I could not blame you like your parents—I might have done the same thing if I were you, seriously, since the situation was so similar and it made me fearless. I survived perhaps because I was stuck at some point while you are completely enlightened. Somehow maybe everything happens for a reason, when I traced back my writings on social media, it’s the second day after you are gone, I suddenly realized I should live gorgeously and substantially, and explore the answers to life as well as follow my missions on changing the world. It’s a rebirth to me.
I still remember the last time when we met. We were having wine, and that time Steve was also calling you from Yunnan. You told me you were very happy, and hugged me later asking me to understand my mom and talking to her and loving her—Perhaps you already forgot how miserable you were when you told me your unhappy childhood and how harsh you dad was on you.
Both you and your parents are my family, even beyond family when I wandered in Beijing. I promise you I will get married and have kids and do what you haven’t got time to do, I will treat your parents as my own since the divinity might ask me to try again on family things. I will love them the same way you left before.
Babe, I will miss you, toast you, cheer with you and celebrate you on my way. You will be with me forever.
Posted: October 26th, 2013 | Author: Ellen | Filed under: Stories | No Comments »
It was in Edinburgh, Scotland, where I had my first TED Conference. It was tremendously overwhelming, and later I realized where my incessant obsession over the ultimate mission of living in the world comes from. That week intensified my past exploration over the meaning of life itself, beyond the academic education of political science and economics I received from top 1 college in China, or the long journey searching for fundamental solutions to human predicament in India. I still remember at TED when I sat watching those soulful figures expressing in the greatest authenticity and confidence how they changed the world, just in front of me, I was so in awe and wished some day I could also own the stage, telling a powerful and beautiful story like them.
However, when I was so inspired by TED and the world it opened up, I found I could no longer bear the daily mundaneness around me. I’ve been truly craving for a more meaningful and impactful life and work, and it conflicts so much with my powerless existence currently. My life started to become turbulent with my questions over my job that time, a leading media and platform serving internet startups in China. I found I was lost on the role I was going to play though I succeeded at leading its brand events to Silicon Valley and Hong Kong as well as building strategy partnership with giants like Tencent and Microsoft. Ultimately I left the company, determined to go to Tibet for a while helping a blind school. At that time I just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat Pray Love, and believed I might be able to solve my problems by exiling myself remotely. Somehow it did not work quite well—-It haunted me that I still can’t find what I wanted. I went through a phase of overloaded distress, and later learned I shouldn’t escape from my problems but face with it, in a hard way.
Somehow I started to run, giving myself one hour every day to meditate over this simple and monotonous body movement. I gradually learned to manage my emotions through controlling my body, and I found running is like living the life, that one shall never numb neurons no matter how painful it is. Furthermore, life itself is never too light-weighted to bear a simple solution and a short answer—-I am now more willing to take pains struggling with my own autonomy, and I’ve been ready to spend an unreasonably long amount of time to find the best thing for me, despite the battle between patience and desire. It also makes me understand what Elizabeth Gilbert truly means in Eat Pray Love, that everyone should take on a journey from losing the “self”, separating the “self”, to really embracing the “self” and getting the “self” back through finding balance between the world and oneself.
Although I lost the battle with my vulnerability, it made me feel fearless. I never stopped searching and trying, and I did rediscover some wonders. I’ve been continuously breaking through my own edges—I produced more sophisticated and emotion-arousing TEDx events, I challenged myself bringing TEDx to disadvantaged groups, I started to lead truly “making” project like the first INSIDE OUT project by JR in China and script-filming for Girl Declaration documentary. Meanwhile, my continuous involvement in internet startups at Beijing led me to trust the power of technology and how it can radically change people’s lives in every way. The cross-disciplinary explorations in every way makes me more capable of distinguishing boundaries between the contrasts, but always pushing the rigid lines forward every time to promote cross-pollination collaboration.
Immersed in technology and art world, I found all innovations are disruptive, they destroyed themselves once and gained rebirth afterwards, and despite the miserable, torturing and heartbreaking process, there’s always hope that you could create something truly powerful and beautiful, like life itself. I’ve also gradually been enjoying curating, since it presents a brand-new layer of understanding to ordinary stuff, and I’ve also been amazed at how great I am at it, like when I was young I always took a painting brush sitting with canvas the whole afternoon and indulging my inspirations flowing out randomly. I found this might be the way I objectify myself to the world, and being someone disrupting and reconstructing in both art and technology, and creating meanings from them might be my nature.
Posted: September 26th, 2013 | Author: Ellen | Filed under: Stories | No Comments »
It might be time to tell some stories about 3 persons who has inspired me most in the past year. One interesting fact is they were all born in 1978, 11 years older than me—What a pressure actually since I am not sure whether I will be able to reach their level in 11 years. What’s more interesting is they know each other, all through me, somehow I regret that I never had an occasion to put them literally together. They are from various fields, but some of elements intervene in each other’s realms. Plus I’ve never regarded myself as someone who’s resourceful(except once I was so amazed by my ability in searching for hosts in Tokyo, since I was pushed by Joey who kept saying “Ellen be resourceful!”, and it turned out I did not spend a penny on accommodation for my 7-day trip there).
1. Y Feng
It’s possible to be a rigorous interaction designer and wild contemporary artist. He has always treated me as an artist like him and uncovered my inner nature as well as strength in this way. It’s him who first brought the essence of “interaction design” to me and guide me exploring the unseen souls beyond worldly doctrines.
2. Z Yong
A top scientist/engineer who’s more interested in working with artists and help them create great works with cutting-edge technology. In his mind, the best interaction ever happening is a random dance between him and an anonymous girl, since there was no rule and everything was so natural. The beauty lies in the spontaneous stuff, perhaps mistakenly, or even fucked up. And in the modern times, a director might never need a script written in advance.
It occurred to me that I might experience the most elegant moment of interaction. It’s not a dance, but it’s about love. It was awkward, but it’s so beautiful that memory lingers, never gone.
3. Z Yi
She defined happiness as sharing with people who are able to love and behave in a consistent and coherent way. That’s so true since I just realized you are not defined by what you have, but what you give and what you present to the world. Simply owning stuff while lacking of its self-expression, means nothing.
She might help me find the possibility of how a girl pursing both political science and economics degree ultimately find a way to express herself, since that’s what she did before in Europe. But she is more talented and knows what she wants earlier than me. I once said the reason I still can’t let go completely might be because I haven’t solved my own fundamental problems, like I still don’t know what I want, but I am still ambitious and fearless. She particularly liked the way I said “fearless”, and I replied, “I believe you have the same feelings before.” She smiled.
They are not the most intimate ones. But when I talk to them, message them, or simply check up their social media status, I can feel the connections and shared aspiration. The trust in between, the courage, and even the vulnerability are so precious.It indeed gave me a new angle of looking at my own sensitiveness, spontaneity, and loads of emotions. I can still feel my strongest desire, craving for creating something authentically beautiful and powerful.
Posted: August 16th, 2013 | Author: Ellen | Filed under: Stories | No Comments »
1. Reasons V.S Emotions
I gradually believe reason and logic exist to solve the issues of “trust”. This came out from a random conversation on WeChat(or Whatsapp) with Joey, since I suddenly realized I trust him completely. Sometimes feeling is more important than thinking.
That might be why I’ve been addicted to your writing — “If you can’t understand it, feel it”. Yes, I can feel you, just like I feel Joey’s dream — he forwarded a description of his dream and it’s been so true. To me these are so authentic, so honest, so rare that I have been struggling so hard to capture them and enshrine them. Although right now I guess I can let it go, just like I didn’t cry when Joey left again.
However, they mean a lot to me, really a lot.
Joey—Only with him did I know what true freedom means. For him there are no such things called limitations. He can really try every means to get things done. He has all the time been so inspiring, and he’s been really changing me, fundamentally and radically.
Richard—I’ve been respecting him a lot and he’s always been a great mentor to me. For me he is the one who’s closest to “Perfectness”.
We had a pleasant talk. “If you are in TEDx, you will really find everything around you is not cool any more, your work, the guys, and other mundaneness.” “Yes, that’s my problem, I can’t really settle down, and I’ve been really working so hard to find what I want. I really tried.”"It disrupts my life and really changes who I am.” “Me, too.”
Cara–I think we are at the same age. She has been working in Venice Biennial for 6 years and right now can curate her independent exhibition there. I asked about her drive on being a professional curator. She said “Well, I don’t think I am working to discover unknown artists, or change something. Once I worked for money but did a really poor exhibition. I hated mentioning this exhibition afterwards. Now my only goal is to make the best exhibition and work with the best artists.”
I cried very hard when I read The Great Gatsby on Gatsby’s retrospect on Daisy: “And all the time something within her was crying for a decision. she wanted her life shaped now, immediately – and the decision must be made by force- of love, of money, of unquestionable practicality- that was close at hand.” I still don’t know why I felt so helpless at that moment. I only know I shall continue to live with insecurity so that I can learn to love.
To love someone, means to deliver solution to his/her fundamental problems out of your own natural passion and faith. And vice versa. Love can be unconditional, but not unconditional sacrifice, which is another banal version of claiming high moral ground.
Posted: July 21st, 2013 | Author: Ellen | Filed under: Stories | No Comments »
It’s been a really long time since I put up my last entry here. Life hasn’t really changed much in the past month, except I am now temporarily living with a cute dog and I start to empathize her profoundly—how to hug her, feed her, walk her and appease her. I have been enjoying her companion, waking up every morning with her by my side.
Yes, a dog, might make me a more complete person the very first time in my life.
Several days ago, I also got an email from Matt, my ex-colleague now pursuing grad-study in Law School at Columbia, with a simple title “Long Time”. Yes, it’s been two years since we departed, and it’s been a couple of extremely intense years for me. It freaked me out since I actually don’t know how I would summarize my these two years in a rough dinner—I would sound very much tired, destroyed, frustrated, with a bit slice of being hopeful.
There might be a point I would focus on tremendously: I know how to position myself as low as a dust, for I have been through the moment of death, deepest despair, and loving someone unconditionally, so that I have been continuously in awe of the world, with the most humble soul.
But for potential question from him saying “What do you want?”, I might not be able to answer still. I have been working really hard on learning coding, and from trying it from scratch on my own totally, I learned how the interaction between humans and computers could be as consistent as such. At least this new thing might open up a window for me ultimately–that the thinking line could be as straightforward and beautiful as such, leading to a brand-new layer of understanding of the world again.
Posted: June 2nd, 2013 | Author: Ellen | Filed under: Stories | No Comments »
I am not fully confident with my English skill—I all the time end up writing in English since I want to protect my own vulnerability at some point—My life has been filled with so much insecurity, and I just want to keep the balance so that it won’t fall down.
It’s June, already. 2 months ago I was so scared, that It’s been such a long time but I still can’t get rid of my deepest despair, or lust. I always believe my life is doomed. However I am still struggling every day, awakening from millions of nightmare, because I might also need to take a slice advantage of my fearless status so that I can do something no one dare to do. I am not afraid of death, and loneliness, and darkness, and end of world, and inability of falling in love again.
Luckily I survived, through endless torture. I have the greatest gratitude to all the people helping me navigate through the process. Thank them so much, who helped me cherish life itself, that when I really live in the world, I have hope, though it’s far, far beyond your sight now.
It’s said true love shall go through anti-dependency and adore independence ultimately, and two people shall co-exist after each walks long-winded road. I once had an illusion that we are our each other’s parallel self, that we will help each other grow remotely in the process. Right now I am in awe of my independence so much.
I should also feel grateful that I lost you once, and it endowed me more courage of finding you somewhere else in the world again, with all unexpected surprise and ecstasy.
I have been always, with my most profound authenticity, hoping you will find what you want.
Posted: May 27th, 2013 | Author: Ellen | Filed under: Miscellaneous | No Comments »
That might be the only word I can come up with after May.12th, my biggest TEDx so far. All people later delivered massive congrats and gratitudes to me, saying how inspiring they are, although I just felt so cracked, so helpless and escaped to remote south-western China immediately. After two days I became extremely sick and almost slept 6 days on that mountain lodge and ended up not going anywhere.
What a sarcasm.
I later realize it might be because I have been so true and loyal to myself. I am all the time terribly honest. I’ve been through all the desperate moments and facing with all the darkness and weakness of all people(Sorry it’s such a mundane claim but it’s true). And I am the person who ultimately take all the responsibilities and clean all shits loaded on the way, who ended up owing a lot of money to my friend(he called it a donation, but it’s a debt to me I have to pay back somehow).
Yes, when there are so many people still feeling they are entitled to everything, when they stand on the high moral ground and claim how they contribute to TEDx selflessly, when they ask for more return from this networking and enterprise, when they feel so high of themselves and actively share joy of tears with others…..Sorry I am not in that mood.
Apologize it sounds like a belated complaint. I meant to write something else since I haven’t updated this blog for almost 2 months. Have to wait until next time.
Posted: March 31st, 2013 | Author: Ellen | Filed under: Stories | No Comments »
It’s tiptoeing to the end of March.
It’s been the coldest, longest and toughest winter I’ve ever experienced since I came to Beijing. I also realized I’ve been in this city for such a prolonged time, haunting myself with this destructively procrastination.
Yet I am very much grateful to the city as it makes me grow, out of the previous versions of myself numerous times.
And it’s been almost 10 months. I am officially scared.
My life is irresistible. So are you.
Posted: February 22nd, 2013 | Author: Ellen | Filed under: Miscellaneous, Reasons | No Comments »
This issue came from the sub-theme for my upcoming TEDx event: “Dance to Fear”. I remember last summer I asked him what he was afraid of most—-”boredom and Sloth”, he said.
Right now I am really taking these two things seriously, so that I have been keeping myself insanely busy, as to stick with some leftover meanings in the bleak despair.
However, I do find the status of being hectic busy ignite my life at some point, that I even experience some eureka moments.
At that time he also asked me what I was going to do. I said “I don’t know”. Even now if he asks me the same question, I would also simply reply, “I don’t know”.
It’s because I fully understand that a solution, or a simple and short answer is too cheap to balance the weight of life itself. I am now more willing to take pains struggling with my own autonomy, and let my one self conflict iridescently with my other self.
That’s why poet Constantine P. Cavafy wrote, “As you set out for Ithaka, hope the journey is a long one, full of adventure, full of discovery.” Life itself is never easy.
Posted: January 26th, 2013 | Author: Ellen | Filed under: Miscellaneous | No Comments »
因为给下次TEDx活动想主题，脑子快爆掉了，刚才手抖居然开始翻诗经了，就差点开始Google庄子老子，索性停止了。其实The Zeitgeist是我很喜欢的一个调调，但是还没有找到倾倒众生的中文翻译。。。当策展人真不容易，再加上还要写BP，deadline就在下周三! 两块脑子都混在一起了。
所谓“但愿你的道路漫长，充满惊喜，充满发现”，比如Joey走了之后，又出来了Yan Feng。一个五环外非主流美国艺术家，一个体制内根正苗红的中国艺术家，前面那个从美国来中国央美上学，后面那个去美国上学回央美教书，前面那个跟我一起开始TEDx，后面那个被我搞定为TEDx的特邀策展人。两个人都那么渴望成功，简直都是痴迷。关键是两个人都说我是一个艺术家，好不好，而且都用了感叹号的。我有时候想，Yan Feng就差开始问我感情问题了，要不然又是一个Joey了。